Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?
Joke of the day: Chew your food before swallowing.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!’
***No hillbillies or choking women were harmed in the making of this joke.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming stories.
I like Coca-Cola.
I like Oreo cookies.
I like tanlines.
I like cocker spaniels.
I like Stephen King novels.
I like strawberry milkshakes.
I like to cook.
I like video games.
I like rumrunners.
I like the Florida Keys.
I like reggae music.
I like the beach.
I like a little carpet.
I don't care if it matches the drapes.
I like Atomic Fireballs.
I like Lost.
I like cuban sandwiches.
I like Superman and Batman comics.
I like conch fritters.
I like to write.
I like pineapple.
I like SNL.
I like it very cold when I sleep.
I like the Food Network.
I like taking pictures.
I like t-shirts and shorts.
I like the color blue.
I like cottage cheese.
Just kidding, I hate cottage cheese.
I like fishing.
I like pirates.
I like meatloaf.